Saturday 12 November 2016

Best Definition of Love

Okay, I guess I should have added “in my opinion” to the title. But everything on this blog is my opinion. I searched online for a definition of love and the results were muddled and confusing. Some even stated sexual desire was love. Really?
The reason there are so many varying and contradictory definitions is because love is not being studied. It’s been explored in countless poems, musical lyrics and other artistic endeavors, but there has been very little hard research, investigation or analysis of love.
There’s an accepted mindset that love is indefinable. I find this beyond weird. Love! One of the most extraordinary and satisfying experiences we can have as human beings. We’re like engineers who never bothered to study math. It doesn’t make sense.
Let’s start the discussion and answer the question…

What is love?

“An intangible connection between two people that feels exceptionally good.”
The strength and depth of the connection is determined by two conditions.
  1. The level of self-acceptance each person has for themselves.
  2. How open, honest and exposed each individual is willing to be.
Qualities always present with these connections are:
  • Trust – believing in their integrity and good intentions towards you.
  • Respect – concluding they are good and worthy of appreciation.
  • Affection – demonstrating your good intentions through your actions.
Love is not an emotion. Love is the connection. Your feelings are a reaction to the quality of that connection.

Loving Yourself First

The part I find most interesting in this definition is the conditions that make love more powerful. First, self-acceptance. You’ve heard the phrase “you can’t love someone more than you love yourself.” What exactly does that mean and how does it work?
If there are aspects of yourself you reject, these issues are your hot buttons. They’re a source of discomfort. When someone hits or gets near one your buttons, you’ll unmindfully react to the discomfort with blame, shame, disrespect and withhold your affection until the discomfort dissipates. So even if you are a parent who profoundly loves your child, you will not be loving towards them when they tickle your insecurities.
If this is true in a parent-child relationship, considered by many the most intense version of love a person can experience, you can imagine what it’s like with a friend or lover. If they trigger something painful inside you, you’ll react with fear, hurt or anger, not love. That’s why accepting all of yourself, creates ideal conditions for experiencing more and deeper love. There’s less button-stuff to get in the way.

Letting It All Hang Out

open honest realThe second condition necessary is openness. Think of two people you feel the closest to in your life. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
I bet one of the common denominators in both relationships is – you have let them see who you really are. They have witnessed you being strong, capable and exceptional, but they have also seen you be scared, neurotic and weak. You’re honest with them about what you’re facing and feeling. You let it all hang out. It’s not surprising the love is palpable, it’s real! Love is genuine when you take off the masks, otherwise it’s a ruse. All of us crave truth and relationships that are real.
With most everyone else, you hide your imperfections. When you don’t let someone see the icky parts of you, you question their love. Would they love me if they knew I was [ fill in the blank ]? This unanswered question lingers between the two of you as an impenetrable web. Open up to them and the barrier easily splits in two. The more you let them know your shortcomings, AND they stick around, the more powerful the love.
Being honest and open is not easy. Working at being at peace with the things you wish weren’t a part of you is hard work. Not only is it a tough internal process, but you’re also working against a culture that doesn’t understand, appreciate or support these changes. You’ll need to be Don Quixote, fighting dragons only you can see and tilting at windmills as far as anyone else is concerned. Be prepared, you’re going to get bumped around.

Thursday 18 August 2016

Sense and Nonsense

I used to encounter more often than I do now the assumption that philosophy is a branch of literature. In fact when I was younger I often met people – intelligent and educated but untrained in philosophy – who thought that a philosopher was somebody giving voice to his attitudes towards things in general, in the same way as an essayist might, or even a poet, but more systematically, and perhaps on a larger scale: less opinionated than the essayist, less emotional than the poet, more rigorous than either, and perhaps more impartial. With the philosopher, as with the other two, the quality of writing was an essential part of what was most important. Just as the essayist and the poet had a distinctive style which was recognizably theirs, and was an integral part of what they were expressing, so did the philosopher. And just as it would be self-evidently nonsense to say of someone that he was a bad writer but a good essayist, or a bad writer but a good poet, so it must surely be nonsense to say of someone that he was a bad writer but a good philosopher.
This attitude is completely mistaken, of course, because it is refuted by some of the greatest philosophers. Aristotle is regarded as one of the greatest philosophers of all time, but all that remains of his work are lecture notes, made either by him or by a pupil. And as we would expect of lecture notes, they are stodgy, bereft of literary merit. But they are wonderful philosophy just the same, and they have made Aristotle one of the key figures of western civilisation. The conventional wisdom has long held that the outstanding philosopher since the ancient Greeks is Immanuel Kant, but I cannot believe that anyone has regarded Kant as a good writer, let alone a great stylist: to anyone who has actually read his work such an idea would be as difficult to understand as some parts of his transcendental deduction of the categories. The founder of modern empiricism and modern liberal political theory, John Locke, is another central figure in western philosophy, but he writes in a way that most people seem to find dull and pedestrian.
These examples – one from each of the three languages richest in philosophy – are enough to establish the point that the quality of the prose in which we read a philosophy bears no necessary connection with its value as philosophy. There is no law which says that philosophy cannot be written well, and some philosophers have been very good writers – half a dozen, great ones; but this does nothing to make them better philosophers. Plato is widely regarded as the finest writer of any Greek prose which has survived, but this does not make him a better philosopher than Aristotle, and people who regard him as such do not admire him for his style. In any case, it so happens that the works Aristotle published in his lifetime were admired throughout the ancient world for their beauty. Cicero described Aristotle’s writing as a “river of gold.” But all that remains to us are notes based on about a quarter of his writing. Yet the philosophy contained in those notes has been of incalculable significance. In the German-speaking world, Schopenhauer and Nietzsche are regarded as being among the best writers of German prose, perhaps as good as any apart from Goethe; but this does not make them better philosophers than Kant.
Of course writing quality makes a difference to readers. Some philosophers are a joy to read: in addition to those I have mentioned we have Berkeley and Hume in English; Descartes, Pascal and Rousseau in French; St. Augustine in Latin. All of these remain a pleasure to read in translation. In the 20th century there are philosophers who have been awarded, rightly, the Nobel prize for literature-Bertrand Russell, Jean-Paul Sartre, Henri Bergson. It is obviously more attractive to study philosophers like these than those whose writings are heavy going. But they are not, for that reason, better philosophers.
Are we to say, then, that style does not matter in philosophy? I could not bring myself to say so. This is because I hold both clarity and communication to be of very high importance. It seems to me a cultural tragedy that the works of Kant are read by so few people other than students of philosophy and their teachers. Those works are the gateway to the higher reaches of philosophy-not unlike the way in which calculus is the gateway to higher mathematics. But even an exceptionally intelligent reader is unlikely to get much out of them unless he has a very full background in philosophy. Macaulay was once sent the first translation into English of the Critique of Pure Reason, and in his diary he remarked: “I tried to read it, but found it utterly unintelligible, just as if it had been written in Sanskrit… It ought to be possible to explain a true theory of metaphysics in words that I can understand. I can understand Locke, and Berkeley, and Hume, and Reid and Stewart. I can understand Cicero’s Academics, and most of Plato…”
Everyone who has ever been a serious student of philosophy will sympathise with Macaulay’s predicament. And it explains why we shall never be in a position to expect Kant’s philosophy to become part of the mental furniture of every well-educated person in the way Descartes’s philosophy is part of the mental furniture of every well-educated French person.
In this matter of clarity and intelligibility in philosophy there seem to be cycles, or pendulum swings, as there are in so much else. After a period in which obscurity is in fashion, there usually comes a reaction against it, and a new generation of philosophers will make a conscious attempt to write more clearly. But after that, over time, clarity will decay once more into obscurity, until there comes the next reaction. I have lived through most of one such cycle in the course of my own adult life. I know that Britain is a small island, and that an example drawn from this country alone is a parochial one, but the very narrowness of its focus may sharpen the point. When I became a university student in 1949, the philosophers then living in Britain whose works were read by everyone who was interested in the subject were Bertrand Russell, GE Moore, Wittgenstein, Karl Popper, Isaiah Berlin, JL Austin, Gilbert Ryle and AJ Ayer. All these except Wittgenstein and Austin wrote in a way that was of interest to any intelligent person, and most of them were read more widely outside the academic world than in it. Russell, in particular, wielded enormous influence on liberal opinion, and in his later years became an icon for the radical young. He and Ayer both wrote a lot of journalism, and became famous as broadcasters, not only for airing their views on general questions of the day but also for their advocacy of a certain way of approaching issues. Moore was probably the biggest single intellectual influence on the Bloomsbury group. Popper had great influence on successive generations of politicians and also on many working scientists, several of whom won Nobel prizes.
Today the successors of these philosophers, holders of the same chairs and fellowships, do not play anything like so wide a range of roles. On the whole their writings are not attractive or even accessible to non-philosophers. In fairness it must be borne in mind that the many-fold expansion in higher education which has taken place during the past 50 years throughout the developed world has given them a professional audience several times the size of what it used to be. But the fact remains that they do not seem to expect, and do not appear even to want, their writings to be read by anyone other than their fellow-professionals and full-time students. What is more, those of us who are capable of understanding what they write would look in vain if we searched their writings for the stylish characteristics of a Plato or a Hume. The truth is that many of today’s leading philosophers are privately the subject of complaint from their own professional colleagues for the unwelcomingness of their writing. According to Daniel Dennett’s unofficially published but widely circulated dictionary of philosophy, one of them has given his name to a mode of writing in which the further the writer advances into each sentence, the more remote the end of it seems to become.
I know from my own experience that when such sentiments are expressed in professional circles they nearly always evoke the response that such changes in the way philosophy is written have been imposed by changes in the subject itself – that, over the past 50 years, conceptual analysis has reached such a degree of refinement, and logical analysis such a level of technicality, that it is unrealistic nowadays to expect an audience for them of anything other than initiates. If only the technically equipped are going to be able to read your stuff anyway, then it will save you and them a lot of time and trouble if you take their level of technical preparedness for granted in what you write.
I do not regard this argument as valid. It assumes an indefensibly narrow view of philosophy. But even if we accept such a view it is still, I think, invalid. When I listed the names of the leading members of our predecessor generation I cited only two of them as having written habitually in a way that was inaccessible to the non-specialist. These were Austin and Wittgenstein. Yet I do regard them, nevertheless, as being in their different ways good writers. Austin, in his conceptual analyses, drew distinctions of rare finesse in prose which was always clear, and sometimes witty, too. It was the enterprise itself, not the style, which was off-putting to all but specialists. As for Wittgenstein, I am tempted to call him a great stylist. I am not a native German speaker, but I find in the Tractatus some of the most luminous and compelling German prose I have ever encountered. Those baffling sentences burn themselves into your mind, and many of them stay there for the rest of your life. The barrier here to the non-specialist is the difficulty of determining what so many of them mean; but the prose itself is incandescent. The sentences in Philosophical Investigations do not have that same fierce intensity, but they are marked by considerable distinction of style. It is not clear to me that the concerns of our leading philosophers today are so much more sophisticated than Wittgenstein’s that they can be written about only in sentences which are tightly knotted and tone-deaf.
When we look back over the history of philosophy we find that the same defence is always offered during its cyclic phases of inaccessibility. In the first half of the 19th century, it was in the German-speaking world that philosophy was more to the fore than anywhere else in Europe; there it was dominated successively by Fichte, Schelling, then, in an all-engulfing way, by Hegel. Each of those three remains to this day a byword for obscurity. At the time the standard defence of this obscurity was that their work was of great depth, accomplishing nothing less than the unlocking of the secrets of the universe. To expect their writing to be clear was to be simple-minded, an intellectual philistine. Entire contemporaneous generations of professional philosophers wrote in a similar sort of way, and offered the same defence.
We get glimpses of some of these forgotten figures in non-philosophical contexts; there is one in the autobiography of Richard Wagner, educated in Dresden and Leipzig in the 1820-30s. Writing of his student days, he says: “I attended lectures on aesthetics given by one of the younger professors, a man called Weisse… whom I had met at the house of my uncle Adolf… On that occasion I had listened to a conversation between these two men about philosophy and philosophers which impressed me very deeply. I recall that Weisse… justified the much criticised lack of clarity in his writing style by contending that the deepest problems of the human spirit could not be solved for the benefit of the mob. This maxim I at once accepted as the guiding principle for everything I wrote. I remember my oldest brother Albert being particularly incensed at the style of a letter I once wrote him on behalf of my mother, and making known his fear that I was losing my wits.” Another passage, also involving Wagner, comes from the autobiography of the painter Friedrich Pecht. Writing of his and Wagner’s days in Dresden in the 1840s, he says: “One day when I called on him I found him burning with passion for Hegel’s Phenomenology, which he told me with typical extravagance, was the best book ever published. To prove it he read me a passage which had particularly impressed him. Since I did not entirely follow it, I asked him to read it again, whereupon neither of us could understand it. He read it a third time and a fourth, until in the end we looked at one another and burst out laughing.”
Eventually there was a reaction among philosophers against the writing of philosophy in this way. Schopenhauer’s books contain many passages of intemperate abuse against Fichte, Schelling and Hegel. Of the more run-of-the-mill professional philosophers of the day, such as Weisse, Schopenhauer wrote: “To conceal a want of real ideas, many make for themselves an imposing apparatus of long compound words, intricate flourishes and phrases, new and unheard-of expressions, all of which together furnish an extremely difficult jargon that sounds very learned. Yet with all this they say-precisely nothing.” He could see nothing in either the nature of philosophy or the character of the German language to justify such writing, and in the absence of any acceptable models for the writing of philosophy in German, he set himself to write it in the way Hume had written philosophy in English. After the great German Idealists all the outstanding philosophers of the middle and late 19th century-Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, Marx (at least in part a philosopher) and Nietzsche-were self-consciously writing in rejection of Hegel, and all of them were magnificent writers. I do not see how anyone familiar with the writings of Kierkegaard and Schopenhauer, at any rate, could argue that their clarity and distinction of style precludes depth, subtlety or sophistication (although I do see how such claims might perhaps be made against Marx and Nietzsche).
In Britain, a not dissimilar cycle occurred in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. There was a long period in which the reigning orthodoxy among philosophers was a form of neo-Hegelianism. Some names associated with this include Green, Bosanquet, McTaggart and Bradley. In general, their manner of writing was in keeping with their attachment to Hegel. Bertrand Russell and GE Moore were trained in this tradition. It is now generally forgotten that Russell’s first piece of independent prose was a neo-Hegelian dissertation on the foundations of geometry – a work which he subsequently disowned. In time he and Moore consciously rebelled against their inheritance. An essential part of the programme that these young rebels proclaimed was the need for clarity in philosophical writing. This was a requirement which they trained themselves admirably to fulfil, Russell in particular becoming a superb writer, and they successfully persuaded a whole generation of philosophers to follow them. As Stuart Hampshire put it, speaking of Russell’s style: “It’s a question of not obfuscating – of leaving no blurred edges; of the duty to be entirely clear, so that one’s mistakes can be seen; of never being pompous or evasive. It’s a question of never fudging the results, never using rhetoric to fill a gap, never using a phrase which conveniently straddles, as it were, two or three notes and leaves it ambiguous which one you’re hitting.” Karl Popper once told me that he adopted Russell as his model in the same way as Schopenhauer had once adopted Hume as his; and Popper said something in this connection that I have never forgotten. “It’s not just a question of clarity, it’s a question of professional ethics.”
Schopenhauer is the most penetrating diagnostician of the reasons for unclarity in philosophical writing. He put it down to the coming together of two otherwise unrelated developments. The first of these was the professionalisation of philosophy. We now take this professionalisation for granted, but for hundreds of years after the end of the middle ages none of the great philosophers was an academic. The well-established universities continued to teach philosophy during this period, but the great philosophers themselves were all outside the universities and none taught philosophy-Hobbes, Descartes, Spinoza, Leibniz, Locke, Berkeley, Hume, Rousseau. As Schopenhauer expressed it: “Very few philosophers have ever been professors of philosophy, and even relatively fewer professors of philosophy have been philosophers.” Both Spinoza and Leibniz were offered chairs, but both declined. Hume was a candidate for two chairs but failed to get either. The first indisputably great philosopher after the middle ages to be a university teacher was Kant-and he never lectured on his own philosophy. Kant and the famous Idealists were professors, but after them the leading philosophers of the middle and late 19th century-Schopenhauer himself, Kierkegaard, Marx and Nietzsche-were not academics, and neither was the greatest British philosopher of the 19th century, John Stuart Mill. The 20th century was the first century since the middle ages in which most of the outstanding philosophers were academics. The professionalisation of philosophy is as recent as that.
Very near the beginning of the process, Schopenhauer perceived that it was bound to have certain undesirable consequences. It is not to be expected that there would ever be more than a small handful of truly original thinkers in philosophy at any given time-one is tempted to say, in any given century-so how on earth are all the other members of a whole profession going to make their mark? As career academics they depend for their living on their university salaries and pensions, the level of which, in turn, depends on their level of promotion. Most of them have spouses and children to support. In any case, as normally ambitious people do in any profession, they want to get on, achieve recognition, acquire distinguished positions and titles. But given the fact that, in the nature of things, few of them are creative thinkers of any real significance, how is this to be achieved?
It is at this point that the second of the two confluent developments that Schopenhauer pointed to comes on stream. Schopenhauer was inclined to consider Kant the greatest philosopher ever, with the possible exception of Plato. But his philosophy is so hard to understand that almost no one can understand it at a first reading. This conditioned the intelligent reading public of the Germany of his day, and of the period immediately following, to accept for the first time that a philosophical work might be incomprehensible to them which was nevertheless genuinely profound, and that if they failed to understand it, it was not the writer who was at fault, but them. This novel situation offered a double opportunity to an unscrupulous academic: he could write in a pseudo-Kantian way which, if sufficiently unintelligible, would be accepted as profound for that reason, while his carefully cultivated obscurity would conceal from his readers the fact that not much was being said. The first person to latch on to this possibility, according to Schopenhauer, was Fichte, who wrote a philosophical work-his first-called Critique of All Revelation, and published it anonymously with Kant’s own publisher in 1792. Because of the style, and the subject, and the title, and the date, and the identity of the publisher, and the anonymity of the author, the book was mistakenly supposed to be a fourth Critique by Kant, and hailed accordingly. When Fichte’s authorship was revealed he was catapulted to fame-and landed the professorship of philosophy at the University of Jena. This showed the way to subsequent generations of would-be academics. Schopenhauer described the development thus launched: “Fichte was the first to grasp and make use of this privilege; Schelling at least equalled him in this, and a host of hungry scribblers without intellect or honesty soon surpassed them both. But the greatest effrontery in serving up sheer nonsense, in scribbling together senseless and maddening webs of words, such as had previously been heard only in madhouses, finally appeared in Hegel.”
Those philosophers were certainly doing what Schopenhauer said they were doing: writing in an oracular, incantatory way designed to spellbind their readers into taking the simple for the difficult. But in my judgement they were worthwhile philosophers with something to say who said it in this strikingly dishonest way. It was the rest of the profession, who wrote in the same way but had nothing to say, who most fully deserve Schopenhauer’s strictures.
We should never suppose that because someone employs the tricks of a charlatan he cannot also have genuine talent. There are several walks of life in which the two are not uncommonly seen together: acting, conducting, perhaps the arts in general; political leadership-in fact leader-figures in all walks of life. I see Fichte, Schelling and Hegel as people of this kind. In fact Fichte, at one point in his career, gave the game away. He lost his job at the University of Jena and believed he was going to have to earn his living for the rest of his life by writing for a non-academic public; so he wrote a book intended to acquaint that public with the central ideas of his philosophy. The book, published in 1800, is called Die Bestimmung des Menschen, translated into English as The Vocation of Man. It is full of meat and written in a manner wholly unlike his earlier work: in truth, it is superbly written, the prose clear and unaffectedly deep. I think it is a great book, enough in itself to establish Fichte in the front rank of philosophers, and of striking literary merit. So he could write like that if it suited. Everything, it seemed, depended on whom he was addressing, and what he hoped to get out of doing so.
The model of Fichte helps us to understand one of the key developments in western academic life in the 20th century-indeed since the second world war. The higher education sector has multiplied in size many times over, and this has turned teaching in higher education into one of the professions whose members are numbered in the hundred thousands. Each of the subjects taught at university has created a large profession of people, nearly all of whom are anxious to get on, but nearly all of whom, unlike Fichte, are not important talents. To expect all university teachers of philosophy to be themselves good philosophers would be the same mistake as to expect all university teachers of literature to be good poets, novelists or playwrights. In each case, of course, a few are, but it would be unfair to expect all the others to be. But in these days of “publish or perish,” how are those others to prosper in their careers? They are faced with only a limited number of options. They can write about other people’s work, the path which most of them pursue. If they are bent on producing original work of their own they can choose an area which has been neglected, so that almost anything they say will constitute a contribution. Or they can stay on familiar territory and draw hitherto undrawn distinctions: this results in the writing of more and more about less and less-the ever-increasing specialisation with which we are so familiar. All of these options are being pursued not primarily because of their own inherent value, but to advance the career of the writer. Right now, books and articles are being written in the hope that they will help to secure the promotion, or at least will enhance the reputation, of their authors. Subjects are being chosen because they are in fashion, or to please particular professors or departments. Research projects are being formulated to attract funding. In every case the aim is to make a favourable impression on someone for purposes of professional advancement. This desire to impress has become the bane of academic writing, and it is the supreme corrupter of style.
What a writer wants to impress readers with depends at least partly on his subject. Historians, for example, sometimes want to be thought to know a lot, and to possess a mastery of detail, so they may write in ways which show these things. Students of literature, on the other hand, more often want it to be thought that their responses to written texts are subtle and sophisticated, and that they see things in a text which others do not. The key to style is motivation. What is a writer writing for? Whatever it is, it will determine not only the way in which he writes but what he writes about. Philosophers, I fear, too often want to be thought to be very clever, and therefore write in ways which put their cleverness on show: the slenderness of the distinctions they are sharp enough to draw, the complexity of the arguments they have the ability to master, the penetration of the analyses they can masterfully carry out. But, as Schopenhauer reminded us, motivation always shows. A writer’s motivations, even when he makes cunning attempts to conceal them, always peep out between his lines. Somerset Maugham said that a writer can no more determine the impression of himself that he gives to his readers than he can jump on his own shadow. Furthermore, there is little doubt that some of the motivations of all of us who write are unconscious. The result is that, whether we like it or not, our style reveals our values.
Many philosophers will never write clearly. They are incapable of it, because they are afraid of clarity. They fear that if what they write is clear, then people will think it obvious. And they want to be thought of as masters of the difficult. When I made my three series of broadcasts about philosophy, two for television and one for radio, I discovered that only a few in the profession-mostly its biggest figures, such as Quine, Chomsky, Popper, Berlin and Ayer-were willing to address a general audience in a simple and direct manner. Most of the rest were afraid that if they did this they would lose standing among their colleagues. To them, it remained important that what they did professionally should seem difficult.
It is essential to distinguish between difficulty and unclarity. When philosophers like Plato, Hume and Schopenhauer write about problems of the utmost difficulty, in clear prose, their clarity does not make the problems appear simple, or easy to solve: on the contrary, it exposes difficulties fully to the understanding. To suppose that if a problem is tortuously difficult it needs therefore to be addressed in prose which is tortuously difficult is to make a logical error-one parodied by Dr Johnson in his remark: “Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.” Of course prose can be unclear for several reasons. One common reason is that the writer is himself confused. Another is that he has been lazy, and has not thought his problems through before sitting down to write. Yet another is that, out of impatience, he has published what he ought to have regarded as his penultimate draft-Hume, in his autobiography, cites this as a particularly common mistake-one he thinks he may have made himself. It is also, in effect, the mistake made by Kant with his Critiques, in that case because he was afraid he would die before finishing them. But the point is that none of these reasons are grounds for admiration. All are regrettable. The fact that something is obscure should never, never, never increase our respect for it. We may respect it nevertheless, in spite of its obscurity, but obscurity is always a minus, never a plus.
Good style comes about only – and not necessarily always then, as Kant shows – when the writer is primarily concerned with his subject, not with himself and what others will think of him. Only then will everything about the way he writes be subordinated to the matter in hand. Style has therefore to do with integrity of purpose: a good stylist in philosophy is always one who is self-forgetfully devoted to what he is writing about. The fact that he is writing at all is an indication that he wants to communicate with others for subject-oriented reasons, not for self-oriented reasons. His prose will be uncluttered by all those little flags and signposts whose real purpose is to indicate things about himself. If he is in error he will want to discover the fact, and will therefore write in a way that facilitates discovery. Gilbert Ryle, a true stylist among philosophers, said: “It’s much easier to catch a philosopher out… if he is not talking in technical terms, and the most important thing about a philosopher’s arguments is that it should be as easy as possible for other people, and especially for himself, to catch him out if he can be caught out.”
Style is a by-product of our motivations. So it is no use setting out consciously to achieve a good style as if that were an end in itself. When we do that, the results are always embarrassing, partly because this is just yet another way of being more concerned with what other people think of us than with what we are writing about. Matthew Arnold, one of the few great literary critics which our culture has produced, said: “People think that I can teach them style. What stuff it all is! Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret of style.” I agree with this from the bottom of my heart. It sums up everything I most want to commend-both as to what all of us should try to do ourselves and also as to what we should esteem most highly in others. Never write unless you have something to say. Then devote all your abilities to making it as clear as you can. And always have the intellectual integrity and courage to qualify, if not withhold altogether, your admiration for the work of anyone, however clever, who does otherwise.

What Does It Mean To Be Cool?

In principle, to be cool means to remain calm even under stress. But this doesn’t explain why there is now a global culture of cool. What is cool, and why is it so cool to be cool?
The aesthetics of cool developed mainly as a behavioral attitude practiced by black men in the United States at the time of slavery. Slavery made necessary the cultivation of special defense mechanisms which employed emotional detachment and irony. A cool attitude helped slaves and former slaves to cope with exploitation or simply made it possible to walk the streets at night. During slavery, and long afterwards, overt aggression by blacks was punishable by death. Provocation had to remain relatively inoffensive, and any level of serious intent had to be disguised or suppressed. So cool represents a paradoxical fusion of submission and subversion. It’s a classic case of resistance to authority through creativity and innovation.

Modern Cool:

Today the aesthetics of cool represents the most important phenomenon in youth culture. The aesthetic is spread by Hip Hop culture for example, which has become “the center of a mega music and fashion industry around the world” (montevideo.usembassy.gov). Black aesthetics, whose stylistic, cognitive, and behavioral tropes are largely based on cool-mindedness, has arguably become “the only distinctive American artistic creation” (White & Cones, Black Man Emerging: Facing the Past and Seizing the Future, 1999, p.60). The African American philosopher Cornel West sees the “black-based Hip Hop culture of youth around the world” as a grand example of the “shattering of male, WASP cultural homogeneity” (Keeping Faith: Philosophy and Race in America, 1993, p.15). While several recent studies have shown that American brand names have dramatically slipped in their cool quotients worldwide, symbols of black coolness such as Hip Hop remain exportable.
However, ‘cool’ does not only refer to a respected aspect of masculine display, it’s also a symptom of anomie, confusion, anxiety, self-gratification and escapism, since being cool can push individuals towards passivity more than towards an active fulfillment of life’s potential. Often “it is more important to be ‘cool and down’ with the peer group than to demonstrate academic achievement,” write White & Cones (p.87). On the one hand, the message produced by a cool pose fascinates the world because of its inherent mysteriousness. The stylized way of offering resistance that insists more on appearance than on substance can turn cool people into untouchable objects of desire. On the other hand, to be cool can be seen as a decadent attitude leading to individual passivity and social decay. The ambiguity residing in this constellation lends the cool scheme its dynamics, but it also makes its evaluation very difficult.

What is Cool?

In spite of the ambiguity, it seems that we remain capable of distinguishing cool attitudes from uncool ones. So what is cool? Let me say that cool resists linear structures. Thus a straightforward, linear search for power is not cool. Constant loss of power is not cool either. Winning is cool; but being ready to do anything to win is not. Both moralists and totally immoral people are uncool, while people who maintain moral standards in straightforwardly immoral environments are most likely to be cool. A CEO is not cool, unless he is a reasonable risk-taker and refrains from pursuing success in a predictable fashion. Coolness is a nonconformist balance that manages to square circles and to personify paradoxes. This has been well known since at least the time of cool jazz. This paradoxical nature has much to do with cool’s origins being the fusion of submission and subversion.
A president is uncool if he clings to absolute power, but becomes cooler as soon as he voluntarily concedes power in order to maintain democratic values. This does not mean that the cool person needs to be an idealist. On the contrary, very few of the coolest rappers are idealists. Idealism can be extremely uncool, as shown by the self-righteous examples of both neoDarwinists and creationists. Cool is a balance created by the cool person’s style, not through straightforward rules or imposed standards. Coolness implies the power of abstraction without becoming overly abstract. Similarly, the cool person stays close to real life without getting absorbed by it. Going with the masses is as uncool as being overly eccentric. It is not cool to take everything, nor is it cool to give everything away: it seems rather that the master of cool handles the give and take of life as if it were a game. The notion of ‘play’ is important to cool, because in games power gets fractured and becomes less serious, which enables the player to develop a certain detached style while playing. For the cool, this detached style matters more than the pursuit of money, power and ideals.

Classic Greek Cool

In ancient Greece, the Stoic philosophers supported a vision of coolness in a turbulent world. The Stoic indifference to fate can be interpreted as the supreme principle of coolness, and has even been been viewed as such in the context of African American culture. The style of the jazz musician Lester Young, for example, was credible mostly because Young was neither proud nor ashamed. This is a Stoic attitude. Also, in ‘Rap as Art and Philosophy’ (in Lott & Pittman (eds), A Companion to African American Philosophy), Richard Shusterman likens Hip Hop culture to a philosophical spirit which is also implicit in Stoicism.
Epictetus the Stoic posited a strict difference between those things that depend on us and those things that do not depend on us, and advocated developing an attitude of regarding the things we can’t influence as unimportant. What depends upon us are our impulses, passions, attitudes, opinions, desires, beliefs and judgments. These things we must improve. Everything that cannot be controlled by us – death, the actions of others, or the past, for examples – should leave us indifferent. Through this insight that all the things upon which we have no influence are best neglected, a ‘cool’ attitude is nurtured.
Stoics have been criticized for being deterministic and fatalistic. As a matter of fact, we find in this materialist and rationalist philosophy the same spectrum of problems that are linked with coolness, because the Stoic, just like the Cool, has to continually decide what is up to him and what is not. In as far as his indifference extends to areas of life that are within his power because he wrongly believes them to be outside his power, the result will be fatalism, decadence and alienation. Yet should he decide to care about things he believes to be within his power although they are not he loses his coolness. Once again, coolness is a matter of balance; or more precisely, of negotiating a way to survive in a paradoxical condition. It’s about maintaining control while never looking as though you might have lost control. All this is why losing and still keeping a straight face is probably the coolest behavior one can imagine.

Living With the Paradox of Cool

Coolness is control; but the dictator who controls everything is not cool because he does not balance a paradox. The self-control of cool black behavior in and before the 1960s, on the other hand, is immediately linked to the African American inability to control political and cultural oppression. This paradox of the need for self-control in the face of a lack of control nurtured a cool attitude. Thus, instead of revelling in either total control or total detachment, the aesthetics and ethics of cool fractures and alienates in order to bring forward unusual constellations of ideas and actions. In a phrase: the cool person lives in a constant state of alienation.

6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic

About six months ago, I wrote a post titled 6 Toxic Habits that Most People Think Are Normal. It became very successful. A lot of people commented and a lot of people shared and big grown-up websites who get paid to post smart grown-up things asked me if they could copy/paste it, ostensibly to make a bunch of advertising money off people acting like assholes in their comment sections. I said, sure, why not?
(I know, sell out.)
But the post also helped a lot of people. Since writing it, it’s generated a staggering amount of thank you emails, and no less than 20 people notified me that it inspired them to end their relationships (or even in a few cases, their marriages). It was the wake up call these people needed to finally let go and accept that their relationship was gagging them with a shit-spoon every day. And they deserved better.
(So I guess I’m a home-wrecker and a sell out. Sweet.)
But the article also elicited a lot of questions like, “So if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a happy and healthy relationship?” and “Where’s an article on what makes a relationship great?” and “Mark, how did you get so handsome?”
These are important questions. And they deserve answers.
Granted, I have far more experience screwing up relationships than making them work well, but I still wanted to take a stab at a “healthy relationship” post. I didn’t want to just make it a (yet another) “learn to communicate and cuddle and watch sunsets and play with puppies together” type post. You can find those posts just about everywhere. And honestly, those posts suck. If you love your partner, you shouldn’t have to be told to hold hands and watch sunsets together. This stuff should be automatic.
I wanted to write something different. I wanted to write about issues that are important in relationships but don’t receive enough airtime. Things like the role of fighting, hurting each other’s feelings, dealing with dissatisfaction or feeling the occasional attraction for other people. These are normal, everyday relationship issues that don’t get talked about because it’s far easier to talk about puppies and sunsets instead.
Puppies: The ultimate solution to all of your relationship problems.
Puppies: The ultimate solution to all of your relationship problems.
And so I wrote this article. This is the first article’s bizarro twin brother. That article explained that many of our culture’s tacitly accepted relationship habits secretly erode intimacy, trust and happiness. This article explains how traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative for what love is and what love should be are actually necessary ingredients for lasting relationship success.
Enjoy.

1. LETTING SOME CONFLICTS GO UNRESOLVED

There’s this guy. His name is John Gottman. And he is like the Michael Jordan of relationship research. Not only has he been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years, but he practically invented the field.
Gottman devised the process of “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.
His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. His method went on to be featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.
The point is, when it comes to understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face and then sneer at you afterwards.
And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.
In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.
People like to fantasize about "true love." But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don't like.
People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like.
Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.
The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”

2. BEING WILLING TO HURT EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS

My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).
Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.
When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.
Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.
Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.
It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.
If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.
These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.

3. BEING WILLING TO END IT

Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.
The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.
Shut up and jump already.
Shut up and jump already.
Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”
Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
“Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”
– Marilyn Manson
“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.

4. FEELING ATTRACTION FOR PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP

Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too.
As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.
What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.
This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.
But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.
When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).
People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?
Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.
When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why, out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?
What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.

5. SPENDING TIME APART

370You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.
When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.

6. ACCEPTING YOUR PARTNER’S FLAWS

In his famous book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:
  1. Every person has flaws and imperfections.
  2. You can’t ever force a person to change.
  3. Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.
The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.
One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.
This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over. But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity.
So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness came not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.
The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.
It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.

Wednesday 17 August 2016

Maybe You Don’t Know What Love Is


We sit silently. My friend stares deeply into her empty glass, occasionally shuffling the ice around with her straw. “Wow,” she says. I sit and wait for her to say something else. What started out as a festive night somehow became a long, deep discussion about love, what it consists of, and how rare it actually is.

Finally, I say, “Wow, what?”
“I’m just thinking that I’ve never experienced that.”
“Well, maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet,” I say — the totally cliche thing that every friend says in this situation.
“No,” she says. “I mean, I’ve never experienced that with anyone. My parents, my family, even most of my friends.” She looks up at me, her eyes glassy and wet, “Maybe I don’t know what love is.”

When you’re a teenager, being “cool” is traded like a currency. You accumulate as much coolness as possible and then you find other kids with a lot of coolness and you bargain to share that coolness to make each other even more cool.
And if at any point you come across a kid with far less coolness than you, you tell that nerd to fuck off and stop being such a loser and dragging your coolness down because the other cool kids might see you, like, actually talking to each other.
Your coolness balance determines the level of demand for a relationship with you. If you suck at sports and sports are cool, then there will be less demand for your friendship. If you’re awesome at playing guitar and guitars are cool, then your coolness stock will rise appropriately and people will like you again. In this way, high school is a constant arms race to cultivate as much coolness as possible.
Most of the bullshit and stupid mind games teenagers play are a result of this coolness economy. They fuck with each other’s heads and brag about shit they didn’t do and think they love people they actually hate and think they hate people they actually love because it makes them appear cooler than they are and it gets them more Snapchat followers and a blowjob from their prom date.

Conditional relationships are all smoke and mirrors where you never actually know who the other person is.
Conditional relationships are all smoke and mirrors where you never actually know who the other person is.

These high-school-level relationships are conditional by nature. They are relationships of I’ll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me. They’re relationships where the same person who is your best friend one year because you both like the same DJ is your worst enemy a year later because they made fun of you in biology class. These relationships are fickle. And shallow. And highly dramatic. And pretty much the entire reason why nobody misses high school or wants to go back.
And this is fine. Trading in the coolness economy is part of growing up and figuring out who you are. You have to participate in all of the bullshit in order to learn to rise above it.
Because at some point, you grow out of this tit-for-tat approach to life. You start just enjoying people for who they are, not because they play football well or use the same brand of toilet paper as you.
But not everyone grows out of these conditional relationships. Many people, for whatever reason, get stuck in the coolness economy and continue to play the game well into adulthood. The manipulation gets more sophisticated but the same games are there. They never let go of the belief that love and acceptance are contingent on some benefit they’re providing to people, some condition that they must fulfill.
The problem with conditional relationships is that they inherently prioritize something else above the relationship. So it’s not you I really care about, but rather your access to people in the music industry. Or it’s not really me you care about, but my fantastically handsome face and witty one-liners (I know, I know — it’s OK.)
These conditional relationships can get really fucked up on an emotional level. Because the decision to chase “coolness” doesn’t just happen. Chasing coolness is something we do because we feel shitty about ourselves and desperately need to feel otherwise.

If this is how you feel in most of your relationships, then there's a problem.

Conditional relationships often cause you to feel one thing about a person and show them something completely different.

So it’s not really you I care about, but rather using you to make me feel good about myself. Maybe I’m always trying to save you or fix your problems or provide for you or impress you in some way. Maybe I’m using you for sex or money or to impress my friends. Maybe you are using me for sex, and that makes me feel good because for once I feel wanted and seen.
Draw it up however you’d like, but at the end of the day, it’s all the same. These are relationships built on conditions. They are built on: “I will love you only if you make me feel good about myself; you will love me only if I make you feel good about yourself.”
Conditional relationships are inherently selfish. When I care about your money more than you, then really all I’m having a relationship with is money. If you care more about the career success of your partner than you do about her, then you don’t really have a relationship with her, just her career. If your mother only takes care of you and puts up with your little alcohol habit because it makes her feel better about herself as a mother, then she doesn’t really have a relationship with you, she has a relationship with feeling good about herself as a mother.
When our relationships are conditional, we don’t really have relationships at all.
We attach ourselves to superficial objects and ideas and then try to live them vicariously through the people we become close to. These conditional relationships then make us even more lonely because no real connection is ever being made.
Conditional relationships also cause us to tolerate being treated poorly. After all, if I’m dating someone because she has a rockin’ bod that impresses all my guy friends, then I’m more likely to allow myself to be treated like crap by her because, after all, I’m not with her for how she treats me, I’m with her to impress others.
Conditional relationships don’t last because the conditions they are based upon never last. And once the conditions are gone, like a rug that’s pulled out from under you, the two people involved will fall and hurt themselves and will have never seen it coming.
This transitory nature of conditional relationships is usually something people can only see with the passage of a sufficient amount of time. Teenagers are young and just discovering their identities, so it makes sense that they are constantly obsessed with how they measure up to others. But as years go on, most people realize that few people stick around in their lives. And there’s probably a reason for that.
As most people age, most of them come to prioritize unconditional relationships — relationships where each person is accepted unconditionally for whoever he or she is, without additional expectations. This is called “adulthood” and it’s a mystical land that few people, regardless of their age, ever see, much less inhabit.
The trick to “growing up” is to prioritize unconditional relationships, to learn how to appreciate someone despite their flaws, mistakes, bum ideas, and to judge a partner or a friend solely based on how they treat you, not based on how you benefit from them, to see them as an end within themselves rather than a means to some other end.
Unconditional relationships are relationships where both people respect and support each other without any expectation of something in return. To put it another way, each person in the relationship is primarily valued for the relationship itself — the mutual empathy and support — not for their job, status, appearance, success or anything else.
Unconditional relationships are the only real relationships. They cannot be shaken by the ups and downs of life. They are not altered by superficial benefits and failures. If you and I have an unconditional friendship, it doesn’t matter if I lose my job and move to another country, or you get a sex change and start playing the banjo; you and I will continue to respect and support each other. The relationship is not subjected to the coolness economy where I drop you the second you start hurting my chances to impress others. And I definitely don’t get butthurt if you choose to do something with your life that I wouldn’t choose.
People with conditional relationships never learned to see the people around them in terms of anything other than the benefits they provide. That’s because they likely grew up in an environment where they were only appreciated for the benefits they provided.
Parents, as usual, are often the culprits here. But most parents are not consciously conditional towards their children (in fact, chances are that they were never loved unconditionally by their parents, so they’re just doing all they know how to do). But as with all relationship skills, it starts in the family.
If dad only approved of you when you obeyed his orders, if mom only liked you when you were making good grades, if brother was only nice to you when no one else was around, these things all train you to subconsciously treat yourself as some tool for other people’s benefits. You will then build your future relationships by molding yourself to fit other people’s needs. Not your own. You will also build your relationships by manipulating others to fit your needs rather than take care of them yourself. This is the basis for a toxic relationship.
Conditions cut both ways. You don’t stay friends with a person who is using you to feel better about themselves unless you too are somehow getting some benefit out of the friendship as well. Despite what every girl who posts cheesy Marilyn Monroe quotes on Facebook thinks, you don’t accidentally get suckered into dating someone who uses you for your tits because you’re unconditionally loving yourself. No, you bought into that person’s conditions because you were using them to meet your own conditions.
marilyn monroe
Most conditional relationships are entered into unconsciously — that is, they are entered into without conscious thought about who this person is or why they like you or what their behavior towards you indicates. You just see their sweet tattoos and envy their rad bike and want to be close to them.
People who enter into conditional relationships enter into them for the simple reason that these relationships feel really good, yet they never stop to question why it feels so good. After all, cocaine feels pretty good, but you don’t run out and buy a bunch the second you see it, do you?
(Don’t answer that.)
Create hypotheticals with your relationships. Ask yourself:
  • “If I lost my job, would dad still respect me?”
  • “If I stopped giving her money, would mom still love me and accept me?”
  • “If I told my wife that I wanted to start a career as a photographer, would it wreck our marriage?”
  • “If I stopped having sex with this guy, would he still want to see me?”
  • “If I told Jake that I strongly disagree with his decision, would he stop talking to me?”
But you need to also turn around and ask them about yourself, too:
  • “If I moved to Kentucky, would I still keep in touch with Paul?”
  • “If John didn’t get me free tickets to concerts, would I bother hanging out with him?”
  • “If Dad stopped paying for school, would I still go home and visit?”
There are a million hypothetical questions and you should be asking yourself every single one of them. All the time.
Because if any of them ever has an answer other than, “It would change nothing,” then you probably have a conditional relationship on your hands — i.e., you don’t have a real loving relationship where you think you do.
It hurts to admit, I know.
But wait, there’s more!
If you want to remove or repair the conditional relationships in your life and have strong unconditional relationships, you are going to have to piss some people off. What I mean is that you have to stop accepting people’s conditions. And you have to let go of your own.
This invariably involves telling someone close to you “no” in the exact situation they want to hear it the least. It will cause drama. A shit-storm of drama in many cases. After all, what you are doing is you are taking somebody who has been using parts of you to make themselves feel better and denying their ability to do so. Their reaction will be angry and they will blame you. They will say a lot of mean things about you.
But don’t become discouraged. This sort of reaction is just further proof of the conditions on the relationship. A real honest love is willing to respect and accept something it doesn’t want to hear. A conditional love will fight back.
But this drama is necessary. Because one of two things will emerge from it. Either the person will be unable to let go of their conditions and they will therefore remove themselves from your life (which, ultimately, is a good thing in most cases). Or, the person will be forced to appreciate you unconditionally, to love you in spite of the inconveniences you may pose to themselves or their self-esteem.
This is really fucking hard, of course. But relationships are difficult by nature because people are difficult by nature. If life was just all fun and fellatio, then nothing good would ever get done. And no one would ever grow.